It’s A Food! It’s A Drug! No, It’s Love

Love… it’s almost like food- some of us are always hungry for it. Like me, I have a history of constantly being in relationships: my first one was in 8th grade, and now I’ve been married for 20 years! Then there are those who also want love, since we are programmed to find our ‘other half’, but whether their heart is in the right place or not, they can’t get or keep romantic relationships going. Why is that?

Why Is Love So Hard On Us?

When it comes to romantic relationships you can almost divide people into two categories: the ones that rely on love and the ones that share their love. The ones that rely on love are like a missing piece: deep down they have always felt like their was something wrong or missing with them and they are looking to a romantic relationship to make them feel like they are whole, valuable, worthy of love.

The second kind of person is their own person and they know how to enjoy themselves and their lives. They are looking for someone to share their dreams with, someone they can share their hearts and their lives with. Needless to say, the latter tend to create functional, healthy relationships that last whereas those relying on love tend to have more dysfunctional relationships that end.

Relationships are like any kind of friendship or business partnership: they are a dance of give and take. There is benefit to both parties, and as long as the benefits remain or evolve with the partnership, the relationship can maintain itself or thrive. On the other hand, dysfunctional relationships are born out of a mutual whole-filling in which one person’s missing piece is filled in by another’s and visa-versa. On the surface this this co-dependent missing-piece-filling can look like a bonded and connected couple, but the dynamic below that appearance can’t help but breed passive aggressive behaviors, resentment, insecurities and control issues.

The Missing Piece Compensations

When you perceive yourself to be missing a piece, you tend to give some of your power away: you give verbal and non-verbal messages that you wish to deffer, to follow- that you don’t want to be in charge or that you are in charge. Missing a piece tends comes from and feed a lack of self-confidence. You compensate by looking for a confident partner or you take on the role of being confident or overly-confident, but it is disingenuous to how you truly feel about yourself.  A tango dance is born in which you each take a role in the relationship, one as the leader and the second as the follower, but by definition the relationship is not on equal grounds -and those grounds eventually make earthquakes.

A Whole Person Has Themselves To Share

Those who share their love are able to do so because they have already learned that, while no one is perfect, everyone can enjoy and celebrate life. Sure, the whole person may lack some self-confidence, but they know that they need to find more confidence in themselves and the things they’ve done and achieved. They don’t look to their romantic partner to make them feel better. They might share their challenges and feelings, but they aren’t fishing for an emotional ‘pick-me-up.’ They want to rise to their own challenges and then celebrate the new vistas with their partner; they want to create a meaning in their lives, perhaps over a glass of wine at dinner celebrating their love and the triumphs at work, they want to encourage and help each other reach new heights. Each whole partner strengthens themselves, and this strengthens their love and their partnership.

Love is caring; missing pieces are ravenous and they rely on others for their well-being whereas whole people find a fountain of love within themselves and they share what’s in their hearts.

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Kalyn has been a teacher of personal and spiritual growth for nearly 20 years; she has been helping people turn their relationships around and come to enjoy love for almost as long; she’s even married several couples!

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